what’s wrong with me?

By the age of 20, most people are already experienced in intimacy and relationships: Girls of my age go to school hand in hand with the third boyfriend she’s had since she hit puberty. Younger girls and boys this teen generation had had more boyfriends and flings than the last! <- (not a fact but an observation) Even when they arent as good looking as Liz Gillies or Harry Styles people can attain one partner or five at the same time or not. My best friends had had relationships before we entered high school. I have college friends who receive a lot of interesting messages from people. Its a normal thing! Its expected from a normal person to have this experience. So what I’m trying to get to is: Am I not normal?!

I’m going to walk in the rain to ponder about this more.

Last year, I wouldn’t have mind being 20 and single. I still don’t because being in a relationship frightens me. I don’t know why. But these days  especially when I meet new people, they have been asking me questions like: ‘Do you have a boyfriend?’ or ‘How many boyfriends have you had?’ They always expect me to actually have an answer to these questions and I don’t know how to tell them the truth without sounding like a total loser.  Always, after the questions have been asked I would do these in order (and awkwardly): frown, chuckle, look at best friends, stutter, chuckle and then I would say the words like I always do. “Well, you see ha-ha I’ve never had a ha-ha boyfriend.” And be awkward from here on out.

When you meet new people you just dont ask them these questions! You just dont! You can ask me where I go to school or what my course is but never ask me if I’m unable to score a man! Being single never affected me because I want to be with a great person when I’m comfortable about myself or when that great person would find me great too but I’m not so I can still wait. These questions are ruining that for me! ‘I’m not a weirdo but maybe I repel men. Oh my God, I repel men. No! No, dont look at me! I’m astrocious!’  These thoughts would haunt me a day or two causing me to shy away from male forms more so than usual.

Lustrous with his former curls.

 I’m 20 years old and I’ve never had a boyfriend. I’ve never been in love. What’s wrong with me? This is the same question asked by a friend of mine adorned by a crown of curls. After we grew closer to being good friends, I can now answer our question. There is definitely nothing wrong with us. We’re just too damn complex and heavy for our foothold. We need to travel and they have to expand their outlook! That’s right. There is nothing wrong with you, reader. You just need to go somewhere else or meet some new people. Love yourself for someone to love you. Maybe that’s what I’ve been missing. I need to love myself because I bet my self loathing is pretty obvious. If your having doubts you can talk to me. Leave me a message. If you think you’re single because your unattractive– well, dear, maybe that’s not the problem. 

Its not that I don’t want a boyfriend. Its just that I want to love myself before I love another, but I really want to hold hands with a boy. In my mind, he’s pale with freckles adorning parts of his body. He has raven hair and it looks really good, contrasting his luminous face. In my mind, he has austere looking eyes that seem to change when he’s amused. He loves black like I do and wears it all the time. He — Damn it! Now I really want a boyfriend! Screw everything I said about not wanting to be in a relationship! Just kidding. No, Im not. Okay, maybe I’m only half kidding. Anyways, if you click that link below you will see that I have a compilation of couples you want to hit  I’m kidding. They’re sweet and I’m really jealous. Not for people with a weak bitter heart.

As a single person, those didnt really affect me in a negative way. These ones from a movie did.

I’m dying inside. Jaejoong, I should report you for not looking like a human. Oh the tears!

GIFs arent mine.