When you’re okay about not having a boyfriend since ever

wake in the morning feeling like

I went to school today and waited three hours before we realized we didn’t have a single class today. I could have slept longer! When I got home I saw my Harry Potter towel being used as a rag. My heart made this crashing sound in my head. I’ve got this bad headache that I’ve been suffering from since two weeks ago and to make everything even more dandy my back hurts like shit. Yehey life!

I had a good morning and ate cake with friends.

I look like my brother

I took these pictures just right after I got home from Manila. We listened to Mr. Nick Deocampo’s lecture about Rizal and the history of Philippine cinema. I was very enlightened and I think I have a new Idol. I seriously want to go to his next lecture if there is one in the near future! Let me come, Sir O! Bring me! I’ll be extra quiet during the ride this time. I promise! I”ll blog about that trip when my friends upload our photos and videos. It was a great day.

what’s wrong with me?

By the age of 20, most people are already experienced in intimacy and relationships: Girls of my age go to school hand in hand with the third boyfriend she’s had since she hit puberty. Younger girls and boys this teen generation had had more boyfriends and flings than the last! <- (not a fact but an observation) Even when they arent as good looking as Liz Gillies or Harry Styles people can attain one partner or five at the same time or not. My best friends had had relationships before we entered high school. I have college friends who receive a lot of interesting messages from people. Its a normal thing! Its expected from a normal person to have this experience. So what I’m trying to get to is: Am I not normal?!

I’m going to walk in the rain to ponder about this more.

Last year, I wouldn’t have mind being 20 and single. I still don’t because being in a relationship frightens me. I don’t know why. But these days  especially when I meet new people, they have been asking me questions like: ‘Do you have a boyfriend?’ or ‘How many boyfriends have you had?’ They always expect me to actually have an answer to these questions and I don’t know how to tell them the truth without sounding like a total loser.  Always, after the questions have been asked I would do these in order (and awkwardly): frown, chuckle, look at best friends, stutter, chuckle and then I would say the words like I always do. “Well, you see ha-ha I’ve never had a ha-ha boyfriend.” And be awkward from here on out.

When you meet new people you just dont ask them these questions! You just dont! You can ask me where I go to school or what my course is but never ask me if I’m unable to score a man! Being single never affected me because I want to be with a great person when I’m comfortable about myself or when that great person would find me great too but I’m not so I can still wait. These questions are ruining that for me! ‘I’m not a weirdo but maybe I repel men. Oh my God, I repel men. No! No, dont look at me! I’m astrocious!’  These thoughts would haunt me a day or two causing me to shy away from male forms more so than usual.

Lustrous with his former curls.

 I’m 20 years old and I’ve never had a boyfriend. I’ve never been in love. What’s wrong with me? This is the same question asked by a friend of mine adorned by a crown of curls. After we grew closer to being good friends, I can now answer our question. There is definitely nothing wrong with us. We’re just too damn complex and heavy for our foothold. We need to travel and they have to expand their outlook! That’s right. There is nothing wrong with you, reader. You just need to go somewhere else or meet some new people. Love yourself for someone to love you. Maybe that’s what I’ve been missing. I need to love myself because I bet my self loathing is pretty obvious. If your having doubts you can talk to me. Leave me a message. If you think you’re single because your unattractive– well, dear, maybe that’s not the problem. 

Its not that I don’t want a boyfriend. Its just that I want to love myself before I love another, but I really want to hold hands with a boy. In my mind, he’s pale with freckles adorning parts of his body. He has raven hair and it looks really good, contrasting his luminous face. In my mind, he has austere looking eyes that seem to change when he’s amused. He loves black like I do and wears it all the time. He — Damn it! Now I really want a boyfriend! Screw everything I said about not wanting to be in a relationship! Just kidding. No, Im not. Okay, maybe I’m only half kidding. Anyways, if you click that link below you will see that I have a compilation of couples you want to hit  I’m kidding. They’re sweet and I’m really jealous. Not for people with a weak bitter heart.

Face

I went to the newly opened face shop at Harbor Point Ayala yesterday. I only bought a face mask. I love face masks! Lyra freaked out when she found out that Bench fix salon was open. We went to check it out. She’s already planning out her Salon date. She loves getting her hair cared for. We are both worrying about money at the moment. Arlene is the only one with a job in our group. We want one too! Its my Mom’s birthday today. I’ve been a bitch lately, a misunderstood bitch. But, she’s a hard working mom and I think we caused her aging faster than she should. I’m going to Face Shop again later to buy her flowers and cream. Flowers and Cream; that’s what they smell and feel like.

I also bought bath salts from our local grocery –Circle J. I just love pampering myself. Now if only I can find that blasted Yogurt Milk bath salts that has been missing! This just in — I found it and took a bath.

Sir Ontuca’s going to kill me yet again (I’ve been revived so many times). I have to wait five more minutes before I can take this off my face so I could get ready. But, I’m already late for Art of the FIlm. Poo~

give me bob

Ever since I saw this video, I became engrossed with them and Minzy’s cute bob. Maybe, I just liked how sexy it made her neck look or maybe a change from this mop of mess. Her hairstyle change over the years ofcourse but I think short black hair suits her more. Why cant short hair look good on fat people?! Anyway, ever since then I’ve wanted a bob cut but I just couldn’t get one after realizing that it would make me look bigger and I’d feel more exposed which is really not good for my self esteem. Hopefully, this year or the next I could finally shed some hair. I cant wait! I hate my hair so much. I want one of these.

I want short raven hair so much. I’ve made so many bad decisions with my hair. Jolly, stop murdering your hair! 😡

rain for me

I feel like someones holding me by my throat. I don’t want to talk about my problems. I want to let out my anguish and just cry. Sometimes, crying would make me feel a little better, but this time it wont be like that. I just need to stop crying in front  of my parents. Every time my dad says sorry, I don’t reply because I’d be a wreck and I wouldn’t be able to stop. Every time I tell my mom how unfair everything is, I would be afraid that my dad would see me and it would all get worse. I want to talk to a friend but I don’t want to speak out about my problems. It doesn’t help at all. I have no control over my emotions anymore. I just need to cry. I need to. Just not in front of everybody. Not here.

Okay

I’m okay but I should be gracing you with my sparks.

How are you doing? I’m okay. How’s your diet? It’s okay. How’s your education? It’s okay. Your love life? Lets not go there, albeit there is no “there”, I’m okay. If my usual response to these questions was a euphoric excited but simple “okay!” then I am great, but, that’s not how it is. “Okay” in my vocabulary is only a mediocre response, behind it a shadow of negativity and dishonesty. Of course that is not how it always is with everything. I’m honest to observation, but not when it concerns me. I despise being mediocre. Despise? No. Hate? Probably, but only when its me. Mediocrity– damn. I hate it. Why cant something or someone just be totally awesome or totally not awesome?

I am mediocre. Mediocre; a person who is lame. I dont want to be lame! Every year, I decide this. Every year, I fail. I am the epitome of mediocrity by failure. I could be a spark! Alas, I have doomed myself to be a Mimosa Pudica that shies away with a touch. There are and were so many things that I promised myself I would do. Should I embarrass myself further and give you a list? I think not, but I will tell you that I planned to sew floral dresses (even before it became a trend) for my closest girl friends. My ideas came close to these: 50’s style 1, 2 & 3 but also these 4 & 5. I promised that I would enhance the drawing skills I possessed when I was a lot younger so that maybe I could draw something as good as this. Puahahaha! Its alright! I laugh at myself too! One more neglected plan was to start baking, particularly– a cherry pie.  You do not understand. I LOVE cherry pie. I hate myself.

I do not want to be OKAY. I want to be GREAT. I want to be someone that influences euphoria. I want to be colorful! To be a tool for soul healing, would be upchuck-into-my-hands-oh-my-fairy-dust fantastic. I’m day dreaming.

I have a feeling that I will never ameliorate; that I’ll never heal from this sickness that is mediocrity by procrastination and failure. Sometimes, I have the urge to hire a hitman as a gift to myself and the population. This world,  no, this country does not need anymore of me’s. I do not know who I can blame with this. Maybe, time? Anyway, I envy and praise the active and determined people. I call thee Mr. Downy Jr. to grace me with a 2nd degree burn of your passion and your awesomeness.